One year to the day after my ex-husband and I separated was January 1st, 2014. This day, after months and months of fighting, making up, and fighting again, I let go of any thought that we might reconcile our relationship. I began to look forward and what life had in store for me as a single 25 year old woman.
I see no sense in lying about it- the first thing I did was go out. I was a mom of two babies by the time I was 21 years old, so I never got to have my "wild" years. Yes, I was still first and foremost a mother, but I was also a 25 year old woman who needed to feel like I had a life outside of work and coloring and watching Frozen and Ninja Turtles.
So for New Year's 2014, some co-workers talked me into going to a club with them in Atlanta to celebrate. And you know what? This country girl from the mountains had a blast. The result of that was that I went out a lot. Every weekend that my kids were with their dad, I was gone. I went to shows all over Atlanta and attended several festivals in Georgia and Florida. I fell in love with the nightlife of the city and the friends I was making. I felt like I was finally getting to explore a side of myself that I'd never known before. Lindsey was no longer tied down, or just a housewife and a mother. I was a person with a story, meeting other people with stories. I got to be good friends with a DJ that played at almost every show I saw in Atlanta. I could literally go out by myself and not sweat it because the minute I walked in the door there were about five cliques I could easily meet up with and it was like being with a second family. I made some friends all over the state and the country that I'll be friends with for the rest of my life.
I love pictures, so here's some highlights of those experiences.
Iris Atlanta: Learn to Believe
Kingdom Rave XI: Legacy
Quad Atlanta's Grand Re-Opening
Counterpoint Music Festival
Panama City Beach
Sunset Music Festival
Kindom Rave XV: Bashment Block Party
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| Meeting Arque |
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| Toga Party |
Imagine Music Festival
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| Seven Lions |
These are some of the memories I'll never forget, nor would I trade them for any amount of money in the world. The way these experiences opened my eyes to another side of life is worth more than I could ever express. I evolved. I came out of my shell, and I was loving every single bit of it.
But after a while, the lights didn't seem to shine as bright and the music all started to sound the same. I began to crave something I never thought I'd crave again- home. Not a place, but a feeling that I couldn't find anywhere but in my heart. I'm not sure at what point I lost it, I just knew that all of the sudden it wasn't there anymore. Yes, I had my kids and they would always be my "home", and yes I had friends that loved me no matter what. But just like I had lost myself in being a wife and a mother, I had somehow lost myself again somewhere down in Atlanta. My country accent had disappeared. I didn't even know where my cowboy boots were. I couldn't tell you anything that was playing on 94.9 The Bull. I still prayed, but I hadn't set foot in a church in months.
I feel like it took something devastational to get me to realize that I needed to make a change.
Over the summer, I fell in love. Even saying that, I don't feel like it accurately describes what happened. I literally lost myself in another human being. Our energies combined in a way that we stopped being individuals and we operated as a unit. Strangers approached us everywhere we went and told us how beautiful we were together. It was the most amazing, intense, incredible thing I've ever experienced.
But at the end of the summer, it all came crashing down. I was floating on the clouds, then all of the sudden I was free-falling at lightning speeds and I had no parachute. When I hit the ground, I didn't think I'd ever get back up. Losing him was more painful than my divorce. I know the weight of those words, but I don't care. I cried all day, every day, for weeks. It didn't matter where I was.
The weekend after we broke up, I was sitting on the ground, alone, during one of the best sets of Imagine Festival, and I was sobbing uncontrollably. That's when I realized that the music, my friends, and the lights could no longer save me. Music festivals were my "happy place". They had been all year. No matter what was going on in life, I could lose myself in the music and the lights and feel okay again. If I couldn't even get up off the ground, much less smile, I needed to leave. Exit. Go. So I did.
With that, I abruptly closed the "wild" chapter of my life. I stopped going out cold turkey. I moved from Atlanta back to the mountains in Jasper in the blink of an eye. My weekends without my kids were spent on my back porch with a good friend, talking about where I wanted to go from that point. I'm wearing cowboy boots- on occasion- again. I've got a country playlist on my Spotify account. My country twang is back. The Lindsey that existed prior to last year is back, but she's an evolved character thanks to the events that happened over the past twelve months. I've learned that sometimes strangers really can become some of your best friends. I've known a love that consumes. The way that I look at the world has changed. I stopped judging people and began to realize that every person you pass- every single one- is just someone else with a story.
So I here I sit, laptop open, staring this upcoming year in the face. And I'm ready. I can't say with any sort of certainty what I want out of 2015. I just know that this year, I want to fall in love with Lindsey. All sides of her.
And this blog is that story.
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